literally had 100 drinks last night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
