i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No subtext here. People are naked.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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