i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize