Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Houston, we have a squirter
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
