And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
