I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
