Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
