I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
