Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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