You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
