i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
