Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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