there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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