rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize