sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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