He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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