I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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