She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
