Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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