I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
