I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
