I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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