My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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