R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
