I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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