"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
