I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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