I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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