You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
