please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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