you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
