just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
