I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
