what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
