So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
