You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
