yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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