I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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