Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
