you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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