she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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