i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
