made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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