no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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