Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Houston, we have a blender
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
