Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
