Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
