Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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