Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
