You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
