y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
