Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
