I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
