You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Two words: blizzard sex
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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