I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize