I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
