There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
