wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
