It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
