Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
